I’m in the process of dragging most of our stuff out into the alley and I feel like I’m going to regret this, but it’s too late now. I’m going to miss St Louis but it’s not the city itself making me second guess myself. I think it’s the whole having our own space and the security and how comfortable I am with her in this room. I kind of feel like going back to Texas is going to erase everything that led up to us being in this room together right now and even though I didnt like that parking garage, I dont want to be disconnected from it.. I worry the drive back really is our last adventure and now we have to settle into this new realm of shitty and serious adulthood. I’m not going to be in my space anymore and I’m going to have to put up with small talk and visiting and barking dogs and everyone up my ass about what the doctors say and what the insurance company is doing and the stress of all the lies ill have to tell to remain stealth. I’m worried I wont get this surgery and this entire upheaval will have been pointless. I used to be so excited about new places, new things, the unknown,..I’ll get over it.
I just dont like feeling like once we leave I wont know how to be myself and I’ll be even more unsure of what to do with my life. I dont want to go back and deal with the way I left.
I’m also having a hard time dealing with the fact that none of my IRL “friends” in Texas (with the exception of ren and someone else) have bothered to make plans to hang out, or even ask me how the fuck I’m doing. People I’ve known for years and have gone out of my way for over and over again.
I dont know how im supposed to fit this shit in the car.